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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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I'm thinking of deleting all of those old entries. It's been a long time. I can't express how bored I've been lately. I arranged my schedule so that I could sleep in. My earliest class is at 2, which is twice a week. The other two days my earliest class is at 330. I don't know what I was thinking. Everyone is in class while I'm watching The Ellen Degeneres show or The View. It's pathetic. I feel like I'm a 40 year old housewife. I have a bunch of 530's and of course, that's when everyone is out of class! I'm an idiot. This is a stupid rant, but it's driving me crazy. Plus I've been looking for a job for a couple of weeks, and now it looks like the only one I could possibly get will be at night, while everyone is off having fun. What am I really missing out on though? We always do the same crap anyways. I'd probably be saving myself by working on the weekend--this way I won't be able to drink, which would be good since I usually completely humiliate myself in front of the stupid clique that I happen to be in. Speaking of this clique...I hate it. I really don't know half of the people who I hang out with on the weekends, and I don't think I want to know them either. Matt told me today that I don't like anyone because I don't want to make friends with new people. I don't think that's true. I'm just so judgemental. I feel like I can see right through half of the people I'm talking about, and I'd just rather not bother making the effort to become friends with them. It's a really ignorant statement, but I can't help it. It's how I am and I've been like this forever. I keep telling myself to try and fix it, but it doesn't seem possible. I have this love/hate relationship with myself. I love that I don't like anyone and I hate it too. Hahah. I don't think it makes any sense, but I don't have many friends on this thing, so I'm sure no one is reading it/paying attention to it anyway.
I think I'll stop here.
I need a job.
Bye.
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Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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I was about to write some stuff...and I mentioned that no one reads this, but I was wrong.
So, oh well. I don't feel like smoking tonight, really...I'm dead tired. I never get sleep anymore, or so it seems. I feel like everything is kind of out of place. I am not doing well in school and I guess you can say I don't have my priorities straight. I haven't had much alone time lately, which is better for me, or so I thought it would be, but I miss writing. Hah. Kinda random...I just miss sitting on my bed and having time to write, alone in my room. I'm happier though, so that's good.
I just feel like sitting in here and listening to music. Tonight I miss home. I don't feel like socializing...I'm kinda just not in the mood. I want to go to bedddd....
Alright, this was pointless and rather lame.
Wilco is all gravy, baby.
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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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I went to get an MRI for my knee today, I guess I find out the results in a couple of days. Supposedly I will have to do physical therapy while at school. And on top of that I need to get a job, attempt to work out, try and join the newspaper, have a social life, and oh yeah, get good grades.
What a semester this will be.
Last night I saw The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. I enjoyed it. It was so interesting and creative and I adore Bill Murray. Not as good as The Royal Tenenbaums or Rushmore, but still...a job well done. Afterwards I went to the diner with Jon, Jess, Lars, and Jillian. It sucked.
I'm supposed to go to New Hope with Terri today, but I really don't have a lot of money and I kind of don't feel like going. But I love her and I should spend time with her.
This is a fascinating entry. Sunday--back to school, I'm feeling better about it now. Things are going okay with my parents, due to the fact that I am covering up my emotions and just pretending that everything is fine. That is how I operate.
I have nothing to say, really.
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Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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So I've been updating this thing a lot lately. I guess it's because I get pretty bored on the downstairs computer that is as "slow as mollases." I can't get onto MySpace, which I realize is a good thing, so I decide to update this nonsense.
I doubt anyone reads it anymore. But I'm okay with that. My New Years eve turned out to be just as I expected it. I realize I have become the depressing negative one out of my two good friends that I've known since the 6th grade. I'm a cynic and I've enjoy it. Unlike everybody else, I didn't get drunk, but instead I watched MTV's Iced Out and secretly cringed, but put on my fake smile for the gals. I had fun here and there, but you know, I eventually came home and it was back to reality.
In some ways I'm sort of glad that I've been upset lately. It's good material for writing. I missed writing. And because of everything that has been going on, I can't stop.
I really don't want to go back to school. I am going through a lot of personal emotional junk that I can't bring with me there because even though I have no one to talk to here about it, I have people who I've been friends with for a really long time that know me really well. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, and at school, even though I've met great people that I'm really adjusting to, I still can't completely be me. I've been away from them for weeks, now I have to adapt again. It's difficult. I know most of you, or the few of you who read this, are probably thinking that I'm worrying about it too much, but I really think that I'm being honest about the whole situation. It really is like that for me and I think for everyone else, but most people have an easier time getting over it. I also am so unbelievably scared of walking on the ice that will be covering the hills. Hahah, and of course, this is because of my two horrible knees. I'm freaking out. I almost hope that I need immediate surgery of some sorts so that I can at least get better and be able to walk when I'm allowed to go back. I don't know what the doctor is going to say, but I think it will be something about "strengthening" my knees with different excersizes. I won't do it. I have problems.
Ha ha.
Alright...well if I go back to school, I can proudly admit that I will be speaking to a counselor. I need to talk to someone. This isn't a cry for help, I'm just having an overwhelming amount of self-realizations and I'm choosing to put them down on here. I just feel so un-organized right now. I always have been, but I can recall a period in my life when things were much more under control.
Goodbye.
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Friday, December 31st, 2004
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I never thought I'd say this, but I can now understand why people find the holidays depressing.
I can't shake these feelings...I wouldn't know where to begin.
Anyways, is it me, or is New Years eve just a lame competition to see who can attend the coolest party? Not even that, but more of a mild disappointment? There seems to be a bunch of options in the beginning, but then it turns 12 and you wind up at some lame party with people you don't know or don't like. Or you wind up with a bunch of your close friends, which was supposed to be the backup plan, but you feel miserable because you aren't drunk enough and you would rather be with stragers. I must be insane, but this holiday seems to bring unecessary pressure, or something. I can't stand it.
Last year I went to a gay club in New York City with Billy and his boyfriend. I remember dancing and having a good time, but at the end of the night I just felt so let down. And a year later, here I am. Everything has changed, but for some reason, it feels like nothing has. How profound.
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, what's your resolution? What a ridiculous concept. Make a promise to yourself--something either completely unattainable or something really trivial so you don't let yourself down, and then, month by month, watch yourself fail. It's practically suicide.
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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I can remember being 8 years old and waking up my older brother at 5 AM, anticipating Christmas morning. I would sneak into his room and I would lay in his bed, looking out the window at the pitch black sky, barely blinking until I saw the first ray of sunlight. My parents were probably so tired from the night before--preparing and wrapping, but they never showed it...they got out of bed with smiles as wide as mine. And we were all happy.
It's not the same anymore. I can't remember the last time we were all smiling, together, as a family. Every year I look forward to Christmas. This year though, something was off. I know what's different, but I'm trying to not think about it.
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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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It's weird when you finally find someone who you can actually...be with. Maybe I don't like him enough...I don't know what it is, but I always start to realize that there are so many other people out there when I finally actually meet someone. I'm not making sense because Bob Dylan is distracting me, but ahhh...it's sort of driving me nuts.
I'm a little fucked up. I have this problem with wanting something. Once I get it, I just fuck it up really bad. This is all so lame..I don't know why I'm updating, I'm just confused.
On a side note..my hand has been freaking out lately. It gets all tense and it feels like it's shaking, but it's still. I don't know. I want this week to be over with. I can't wait until Columbus Day weekend. Laura and Jon are visiting for a day/night. Then we're driving back to Clinton and I get to sleep in my own bed! I can't wait to just drive my car and go to all of the places that I've been missing for a month. I really miss home, but the feeling gradually goes away. Like I keep on saying...it's as if I'm on vacation here. It's not too big of a deal, I just want to see everyone and be in my own town. Haha, okay, I guess that is the definition of homesick. I'm glad I like the people here though. I feel pretty comfortable with most of them.
I need to do some work.
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Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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I'm procrastinating. It's how I do. I'm supposed to be reading Interpersonal Communications, which is just such common-sense that it makes me bored and I just keep re-reading each paragraph. So I'm listening to Counting Crows instead and updating this annoying thing because I am feeling nostalgic/lonely/the normal fucked up moods.
College is just a blur. It's going by so fast that I can't even put my finger on what's been happening...I can't talk about much because moments that are good always fade and something else comes up. Hopefully this won't keep on happening. Or hell, maybe all of this is good. I don't know anymore. I probably sound confusing as hell right now, but I really don't know how else to explain it all. Everything is happening so fast...I almost feel like I don't have enough time to just let things sink in and enjoy the view.
Sometimes I'll catch myself realizing that I'm actually here. I'm in college now, by myself. This all usually happens while walking back from classes alone. Then this will disappear once I realize that my shoe is untied or that my hair is in my face and I probably look like a big idiot walking down the street alone, practically tripping, with hair all unkempt.
I wonder if this is how life is supposed to be. Constantly busy, rushing through it. Not necessarily for a reason, just because that's only what we know. When I was younger I was in a rush to get older. And now that I'm older, I'm either in a rush to do work, to go to class, to go to sleep, to go out. I'm in a rush to make friends, to find a nice boy, etc. This isn't how I want it to be, but for some reason it just seems like it's the way everything and everyone around me is. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it. I just can't grasp any of it. And when I do, it goes away, or I'm interupted, or it's time to go to class or bed.
What would have happened if I didn't go to college? If i just picked up my bags and went somewhere alone? I know the answer...I'd go to New York City with a bag or two...and then once I'd arrive, I'd get completely lost and try to get home. So much for independence. I have it here, but why can't I feel it?
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Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
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Hey
I'm at Champlain now...getting an education. I feel like I'm vacation, and I keep forgetting that this is kind of permenant. I guess that's a good thing? It's sort of simple...I just keep myself occupied, attempt to socialize, convince myself that this is all good and hold back from coming inside once I realize that some of these people aren't worth hanging out with....aaaand, I go to class and decide to do homework and eat. I have a 930 class tomorrow, but I wake up at 745...so I'm not late and so I can get a shower in, blowdry the wool, eat, stop at the dining hall for coffee..and begin the day w/ a class. It's all just so interesting. Burlington is beautiful, but I've been forgetting about looking around because I feel so fucking suffocated. More independence? Yeah, I guess...more stress with people..yep. I don't feel like putting this unnatural effort into meeting people. But I have to, 'cause I'm a girl, and I think about boys and I want to meet a nice one that I can kiss and have talks with and laugh with. There are cutie patoots here (haha), but most of them seem exactly the same, and the others I get nervous sometimes to talk with because I want them. Hah. It's late...238 AM...I have Dave Matthews on because we were all just discussing how awesome he is, and I was in the mood...my roommate is trying to sleep. Yikes. I should be too. I did a lot of homework today. More then I've probably ever done in highschool for the four years I attended. I got teary-eyed today when I read one of my mom's e-mails she sent me. I feel like I'll be home soon..it's so bizarre. I like that mindframe...this is just a vacation, I belong in NJ with all those people I hung out with everyday. Raaaaaaahh...I shouldn't have to 'fit in'..but, I guess this is college life. I want to meet/make friends, and I have already..but I guess you just have to sacrifice parts of yourslef for a little bit..until everyones comfortable.
I'm going to bed.
I love you.
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Saturday, July 31st, 2004
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So I'm going away.
To the beach. I'm going for about four days, which should be nice because it will get me out of Clinton for a little while...and that's always great. Unfortunately it's LBI...the home of 14 and 15 year old sluts and thugs...what are ya gonna do. I'm thinking it will be fun...I'm going with my friends Laura and Jon and I love them both.
I am updating this because I'm really bored and I'm waiting to leave.
College is right around the corner and I haven't even gotten past Part I of my summer reading book. Looks like I'll be starting off another school year with a bang. Great. Just great. I also haven't gotten any clothes for school. Since I'm going all the way to fucking Vermont, I need to get a good winter jacket, some boots, some sneakers, and some winter clothes because I'm not planning on riding a train for five hours back to New Jersey to buy things with my parents money. Who knows when all of this shopping will be getting done, but I need to get it out of the way.
Hmm, what else? I've come to the conclusion that this summer hasn't been that great...but I guess there's nothing to change that. I want to have fun before everyone leaves. It will be sad, but hopefully exciting in Vermont, and hopefully all of my preconcieved notions about the people there will dissolve and I will meet a decent group of friends. Yeah...like that's going to happen.
That's it for now. Bye.
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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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I think it's pretty cool that we're graduating tomorrow. I'm also surprisingly sad about it. I know I always ramble on about high school and how much I can't stand it...which, for the most part, is true; however, I had a lot of fun times during my high school career with my friends who have come and gone.
Today I went kayaking with Jillian. It was a lot of fun. First we started off in the pond in Clinton. It was really scummy and shallow, so we loaded the huge, heavy kayak back onto her car and headed for Round Valley. Then we had to take it off and launch it into the water. We paddled and paddled, lounging for a while, and eventually came to a perfect spot to leave the kayak and take a swim. The water was ridiculusly clear and warm. So we swam and hung out there for around an hour and talked to this guy who had a dog with him. He was the perfect, goodlooking husband kinda guy. Finally we headed back. We were both really ti ti...being that we were kayaking for about five hours. Overall though, it was really nice.
I went out to Friday's with my parents and grandparents tonite for my graduation. My grandparents got me a nice check and my grandma gave me a ring that used to be her sisters. It is my birthstone. Unfortunately, due to my large fingers, it doesn't fit..so I have to get it stretched out. I love really personal jewlery..I'm planning on wearing it all the time; it's pretty. Dinner was annoying. I like my grandparents sometiems...other times I sort of can't stand them...everybody is always screaming and trying to say things. It's always such terrible conversation because it's not like we're actually talking..there's ten conversations going on at once with everybody talking over everybody.
Blah. These past days have been crazy...I sort of like it. Something is actually going on in my life. Everything will die down eventually though, and hopefully my summer will be okay, despite boredom. I'm sort of happy right now. Life is doing okay for itself.
P.S...."Come Sail Away" by the Styx...such a classic. What a gorgeous song.
Tomorrow is graduation practice and then later I will officially become a college freshman.
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Hey.
This weekend was spectacular. Everything sort of came together and turned out to be one of the best weekends of my entire life. Prom, Jillian's beach house, family reuinion, "SAVED!", Sabrina's birthday, driving around with Jillian...and now I'm home. I feel sincerely happy. This is going to be a stellar week. Even though my grades suck, I still have library fines, and other things that aren't so good..haha, I can't imagine things being much better than they are now.
So you wanna be a rock and roll star?
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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i'm getting sick....i have a bad sore throat and a sniffle in the nose. i need to quit smoking, but i sort of don't want to. it's lame, i know.
i feel sort of stressed...i have newspaper going on, my mom is mad at me, i haven't been working much this week which means no money, and i have to make up a bunch of stuff too.
i want high school to be over with. i'm sad about certain things, but overall...i'm really ready to get out of here.
i'm expecting summer to be boring, but hopefully i'll be wrong. tonight it smells really nice out, and i can't wait until i can stay up as late as i want, talking and doing nothing, but feeling great all at the same time.
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Today I watched a movie and it was happy...it got me to thinking about the last time I was really happy...and I couldn't remember.
I wonder if we look back on certain periods in our lives, talking about how much fun we had then or how happy we were, yet, in actuality, we feel the same now as we did then..we just seem to always build things up in the past to be better than they are in the present.
Every year I'm probably feeling the same way, but I always make exucses and tell myself that life was so much better back "then"...somehow I believe that.
I feel as though I've reached some point in my life...some distinct point where I can completely and utterly admit that I'm confused, that I'm just a little lost. But I'm not really feeling bad about it, I'm just thinking about what I want.
I used to be so set on making a mark..making a name for myself. I'm sure everybody has wanted to be famous at one point in their lives..but God, that's all I can remember wanting. I've let go of that, which I'm sometimes glad about..but occasionally, I'll look back and miss that feeling....of actually believing that I could be noticed. I regret not working harder and practicing the things that I'm told I'm good at.
Right now I feel like my future is just so obvious. If I do well in college, I'll most likely be settling with some dull guy and having a family and a decent job in the suburbs. For some reason that's all I can see ahead of me. I don't have tons and tons of goals like everyone else...and even if I did...I probably wouldn't follow through with all of them. I guess I'm just hoping that I can make it in life doing what I want to be doing...even though I'm not sure what that is anymore. I just know that I don't want to turn old and lose what I have now. Even though things seem to be shitty, I can still feel and get excited and get sad, and those are the types of emotions that I'm afriad will fade when I slip into the routine of being an actual adult. I don't want to forget to notice the little things..I don't want to be too busy for that type of stuff.
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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I'm feeling down. Even though I only have two more weeks of school left, I feel unusually stressed out. So here's a little list...a truthful list of the many things I need to get out of my way....all due to my stupidity.
-Pay off school library fines (approx. $30-50)
-Make up two Astronomy tests, one lab and hand in three current events...and also remember to actually attend class
-Maybe do some Math homework..even though I have about ten different homeworks that I have to make up
-Do a speech outline..but first, research the topic
..I'm sure there's more.
Help me out here...is it bad that I'm not doing my work and that I'm doing poorly in most of my classes? I've kind of convinced myself that since this is the end of high school, I shouldn't do much of anything except hang out with my friends and do whatever else I want to do. I had it in my brain that that is the normal attitude seniors have. I feel guilty though. There are all of these thoughts zooming in and out of my head: will I graduate, will I be denied from college because of my bad grades this semester, will I dislike my parents forever..yada, yada, yada..I can't stand it anymore. I really can't.
I'm sad. Sometimes I don't mind being sad and moping around feeling sorry for myself, but tonight I really don't like it much at all.
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Tonight turned out to be very different as opposed to my typical Saturday nights in the town of Clinton, NJ.
I sort of love meeting random people and clicking with them. It sort of spices things up and pulls me out of my dull routine mode. And even though the people I randomly met tonite would probably turn out to shatter my high expectations of them, it still was fun.
My brother sent me this e-mail a long time ago...a commencement address by Anna Quindlen. I recently went back and read it, and fell in love with it again. Now I can't stop thinking about it and I just want to share it with everyone. It may seem corny, but I personally think it's excellent.
Anna Quindlen's Villanova Commencement Address 1999.
It's a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to
receive an honorary doctorage from this great university. It's an honor to
follow my great-Uncle Jim, who as a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack,
who is a remarkable businessman. Both of them could have told you
something important about their profession, about medicine or commerce. I
have no specialized field of interest or expertise, which puts me at a
disadvantage, talking to you today.
I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only
part of the first. Don't ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator
Paul Tsongas when the senator decided not to run for reelection because
he'd been diagnosed with cancer: "No man ever said on his deathbed I
wish I had spent more time in the office." Don't ever forget the words
my father sent me on a postcard last year: "If you win the rat race,
you're still a rat". Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down
in the driveway of the Dakota: "Life is what happens while you are busy
making other plans."
You walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one
else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same
degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a
living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of
your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life
at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not
just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your
bank account, but your soul.
People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much
easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold
comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or
when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good. Here
is my resume. I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never
to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I
try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I
am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there
would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard
cutout. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I show up. I
listen. I try to laugh. I would be rotten, or at best, mediocre to my
job, if those other things were not true.
You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: get a life. A real
life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion. The bigger paycheck, the
larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if
you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a
red tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls
with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and
first finger. Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you
love and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is
work.
Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a
student. still learning how to best treasure your connection to others.
Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug
your Dad. Get a life in which you are generous. Look around at the azaleas
in the suburban neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon
hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night. And realize that
life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for
granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it
around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity.
Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to
do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be
enough. It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our
minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the
sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color or our kids eyes, the
way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises
again. It is so easy to exist instead of live.
I learned to live many years ago. Something really, really bad
happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my
druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from
it is what, today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to
love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress
rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to
look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back
because I believe in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that in
part by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this:
Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in
the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of
life as a terminal illness because if you do you will live it with joy
and passion as it ought to be lived.
Well, you can learn all those things, out there, if you get a real
life, a full life, a professional life, yes, but another life, too, a life
of love and laughs, and a connection to other human beings. Just keep
your eyes and ears open. Here you could learn in the classroom. There
the classroom is everywhere. The exam comes at the very end.
I found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk at Coney Island maybe
15 years ago. It was December and I was doing a story about how the
homeless survive in the winter months. He and I sat on the edge of the
wooden supports, dangling our feet over the side, and he told me about his
schedule, panhandling the boulevard when the summer crowds were gone,
sleeping in a church when the temperature went below freezing, hiding
from the police amidst the Tilt-a-Whirl and the Cyclone and some of the
other seasonal rides. But he told me that most of the time he stayed on
the boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting now even
when it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them.
And I asked him why. Why didn't he go to one of the shelters? Why
didn't he check himself into the hospital for detox? And he just stared out
at the ocean and said, "Look at the view, young lady, Look at the
view." And every day, in some little way, I try to do what he said. I try to
look at the view. And that's the last thing I have to tell you today,
words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to
go, nowhere to be: Look at the view. You'll never be disappointed.
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I wish those short moments of happiness would amount to something that lasts a little longer.
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//If everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again.//
..I think it goes something like that. I know it's a Foo Fighter's song, but it really sums up everything that has been going on in my mind lately.
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my weekend seemed abnormally long. on friday i went with jillian, zack and jon to utopia. that was fun ; )...then we drove around for a while which was really nice and a good time..around 8ish we met up with laura and her prom date john at clinton station to have some food. it seemed like we were there forever. eventually we left and drove around some more and went back to clinton. andd after that i drove around by myself and screamed songs at the top of my lungs. i sounded horrible.
saturday..i had to work from 9-2, but then jon, jess, laurs and i hit up the booksale in flemington. it took us forever to find the place, but once we did it was worth it. i got a bunch of good tapes and only one book...i have trouble looking for books because it takes me forever to make up my mind. i bought 'nine stories' by salinger..i've always wanted to read it. blah. then we hung out in town as usual and went to jillian's to hang out...finally we left to go to meredith's to have fun, and then we went to friday's on a mission to find dan brichle..unfortuantely, he wasn't there. damn.
today i sat around and watched freaks and geeks--my new fave show. i'm really tired and out of it still...my weekend was good i guess, nothing spectacular, but i did have a really nice time with everyone. i'm sorry this post is extremely long and boring, but i just felt like updating because i have nothing better to do right now. in about 10 minutes i'm going to leave to see eternal sunshine for my second time. i hope it's just as good.
i'm ti ti.
bye.
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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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blah.
i hate highschool. i'm confused. all i ever do is rant and make fun of people..something must be wrong with me. haha.
these two boys that i'm semi-interested in...i don't know what's going on. a few weeks ago i didn't care about what was happening and what wasn't happening. everything was really nice and i didn't think too much of it. yet now..here i am, going back to my same old self thinking about how nothing will ever amount to anything. why do i build things up in my head and expect not to get disappointed. basically...finding someone, will take a while for me. i don't really know why though. maybe i'm picky? maybe it's just me..who knows. i tell myself that someone will come around in college, but that's probably just some sort of lie that i need to convince myself into believing so that i don't feel too lonely right now. it's sort of not working today.
seeing matt in boston was perfect. even though i've known him for so long and nothing could ever really happen, i sort of freakishly worship him. i've never met anyone who is as amazing as he is. all of his qualities are great. i love the way he thinks and the things he has to say and how spontaneous and fun he is. and of course his sense of humor. i almost wish that we didn't know each other for so long so that we'd wind up meeting for the first time out of the blue and actually become something. he's my ideal.
*all your life is such a shame, shame, shame. all your love is just a dream, dream, dream*
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xtherainkingx's journal
exhausted.
blah.
scared.
confused.
content.
sick.
contemplative.
stressed.
tired.